Brightly Burning: The Middleless Movie
by The Flying Rats
Summary: A reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally stupid musical that is sort of like the beginning and end of Brightly Burning. We sort of skipped the middle. PG13 for mild swearing and violence.


Krissy: Hidy ho peoples, we're back! And with the whole musical too! Aren't you proud?  
  
Julie: And you can't blame me for wanting to make sure people liked the songs first. If you'd written this, you'd be ashamed too!  
  
Krissy: If we get any complaints about not putting in the songs, I will hurt you. We put the songs up separately, and I am not typing them up again. So nyah.  
  
Julie: Even if she did put in a wrong line or ten.  
  
Krissy: I DID NOT! YOU IS A LIAR!!!  
  
Julie: Yeah, and who's the one who said "setting fires everywhere" instead of "set things afire everywhere"? AND you forgot the "ie" at the end of "sweet" in "sweetie-poo"!  
  
Krissy: Shuttup. And, now the DISCLAMIER! We don't own Brightly Burning or the Valdemar series. They are copyrighted to Mercedes Lackey and a whole bunch of other people. So leave us alone!!!  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
  
  
Brightly Burning: The Movie  
  
By Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme  
  
Lan: This is stupid! Haven is stupid! Why can't we go back to Alderscoft?  
  
Lan's mom: Lavan, Do something useful today instead of nothing!  
  
Lan: Cloth is stupid!  
  
(insert song: 'Lavan's Family')  
  
  
  
Tyron: Hey, STUPID! We're the sixth formers, and we rule here!  
  
Lan: Bully!  
  
WHAM!!  
  
  
  
Lan's mom: How was school?  
  
Lan: Good.  
  
  
  
(insert song: 'The Former Sixths')  
  
  
  
(insert song: 'Bully Fever)  
  
  
  
Person: Ok. Time for a brief history of Valdemar. So. There's this guy named Valdemar, and he made this nice little kingdom, so he's pretty happy. So this Valdemar guy is like, 'hey, I know I'm a good King, and I'm pretty sure my son's gonna be a good King, but what about his son? What if he's a little monster who likes killing people?' So Valdemar went to this grove and prayed for some way to make sure all the rulers of his kingdom would be good ones. The next day, these four white horses appeared in the grove. One of the horses came to Valdemar and mindspoke – silently talked in his head – to him. :Hey, Valdemar, guess what! Your prayers have been answered! I'm your brrrraaannd nnneeeeew COMPANION! (by the way, that means I'm Choosing you.) I'll be sticking around for the rest of our lives to criticize, advise, and help you , weather you want me to or not! And, lucky you, we'll keep coming until there's enough of us to keep ourselves going. So not only will we make sure rulers are fit to rule, we'll even Choose some lucky people to be Heralds! Your Heralds will be messenger/patrol/policey people. Along with whatever odd jobs you want them to do. And they'll wear 'here I am, shoot me' uniforms, too! Okay? Good. Plus, we can run faster, longer, and smoother than any horse ever could, fight better, and generally be smarter than horses.: So Heralds and Companions did basically shat he said they would. Anyway, BACK TO THE STORY!! Wait! One more thing! There's this other country called Karse that's been threatening to take over Valdemar, and it looks like their gonna try soon.  
  
  
  
Pol: Why do you make me do that obstacle course, Satiran? You know I'm getting too old for it.  
  
Satiran: Which is exactly why I make you do it, Pol. If you don't keep in shape, they might retire you to the palace! Now. Time to groom me, then you can take a bath and laze around for the rest of the day.  
  
Pol: And what a horror it would be if I was permanently at the palace! I mean who knows, I might even see my wife for more than a couple days at a time!  
  
Satiran: Oh, stop complaining and take a bath!  
  
  
  
Kid: WAAAAAH!  
  
Pol: Dur? Hey, kid, what's wrong?  
  
Kid: WAAAAAAHHH!!  
  
Pol: You okay?  
  
Kid: WAAAAAHHH!  
  
Pol: Okay. This is not working. And when things are not working… YOU GET Eleanor! ELENOR, GET YOUR RUMPUS OVER HERE!  
  
Kid: WAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!  
  
Eleanor: (walks in the door)Hi dad.  
  
Pol: Yo. Make this kid work, ok?  
  
Kid: WAAAAAAAHH!  
  
Eleanor: Ok, come on, kid.  
  
Kid: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Kid and Eleanor leave  
  
Pol: What was that about?  
  
Satiran: We think he had Foresight come on him all at once. He Saw you surrounded by fire, which is why he came to your room. They're going to send him somewhere that there are not people around and he can be trained to control his Gift easier.  
  
Pol: Hmmm, maybe I'll go visit him in a week or so.  
  
  
  
Pol: Why did we have to go in the rain? I hate rain.  
  
Satiran: Oh, hush. It could be worse, you known. There could be a hole in your rain cloak, right on your neck.  
  
Pol: Oh, Shut up, stupid horse!  
  
Satiran: You know, it's too bad the kid can't See specific things yet. With the situation with Karse and all, we could use a foreseer with a Gift that strong. It's too bad he only Sees vague things right now. If he could Foresee something like a tree falling on you –  
  
CRASH!!  
  
Pol: Why does my head hurt so much! What happened?  
  
Healer: A tree fell on you.  
  
Pol: Satiran –  
  
Healer: Your Companion is fine. He jumped clear of most of the tree before it hit. Now go to sleep.  
  
Pol: Snooooooore!  
  
  
  
Healer: Okay, this is going to be really random, but did you her about the fire at the merchant school?  
  
Pol: No. I was asleep. Duh.  
  
Healer: Well anyway, the thing that strikes me as odd is that there were a whole bunch of older kids – six or seven – and there was one younger kid, and he had a whole bunch of bruises.  
  
Pol: Ouch. Sounds like he was gettin' beat up  
  
Healer: NO, DAM*IT HE WAS GETTING TORTURED, YOU AS*HOLE!  
  
Pol: Ohhhh…  
  
Healer: AND YOU'RE A HERALD SO YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! NOW!  
  
Pol: Umm… okay. Sure.  
  
  
  
Pol: Um. Right. So. I just thought I would, uh, investigate that fire thing at that school. Thing.  
  
?: Oh, good! A Herald is taking over! Here's a list of the kids who went there. HAVE FUN!  
  
Pol: Right. Well. I'll uh, just, uh, talk to this, uh, Owyn kid at the top of the list.  
  
  
  
Pol: May I speak to Owyn, please?  
  
Servant: The master and mistress aren't home at the moment, sir Herald sir.  
  
Pol: That's quite alright. I only want to speak with master Owyn.  
  
Servant: Of course. Right this way, sir.  
  
Pol: Thank you  
  
Servant leaves  
  
Owyn: Am I in trouble?  
  
Pol: No, I just want to ask you a few questions about your school.  
  
  
  
Pol: Lavan?  
  
Lan: Yeah.  
  
Pol: I'm Pol, and I'd like to ask you a few questions about the fire at your school.  
  
Lan: It was a accident. We were just messing around.  
  
Pol: I've talked to some of your classmates, Lavan.  
  
Lan: Which ones?  
  
Pol: Not those sixth formers, that's for sure! Why don't we walk outside for a little while?  
  
Lan: Yeah. Ok.  
  
Pol: Here's what I know. Your school was ruled by the sixth formers, who were ruled by Tyron, the head bully. Tyron told you to get him really expensive red cloth that he knew you couldn't get. Tyron was also one of the boys that died in the fire. Now. You are the only one who was in the fire who can answer my questions. I need your help, Lavan. What happened just before the fire?  
  
Lan: I was in the classroom after school. Tyron came in and asked for his cloth.  
  
Pol: Which you didn't have. What happened then!  
  
Lan: WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS?? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!?  
  
Tree bursts into flame  
  
Lan: NO!! it's happening all over again!  
  
Kalira: No it won't, Lan! I'm Kalira. I love you, and I Choose you!  
  
The fire goes out  
  
Pol: Well THIS complicates things.  
  
  
  
Lan: WOA!!! Is that the palace??  
  
Pol: Yep, but we're not going there. We're going over there, to the Collegium.  
  
Lan: The Colle what ium?  
  
Pol: A school. This one is for Heralds. There are two more Collegia for Healers and Bards.  
  
Lan: MORE SCHOOL?!?!  
  
Pol: It won't be THAT bad, Lan. It'll be lots better than your old school, anyway.  
  
Kalira: I'd believe him, Lan. Besides, you always have me.  
  
Lan: You're right. Nothing could be all bad if you're there, Kalira.  
  
Pol: Here's your room. See ya later!  
  
Lan: Bye!  
  
  
  
Tuck: Oh, hi1 you must be new here. I'm Tuck.  
  
Lan: Lan. I'm s'posed to start classes tomorrow, and I have no clue what's going on around here.  
  
Tuck: Well right now what's going on is supper. I've got some free time after, I'll show you around.  
  
Lan: Great!  
  
  
  
Pol: So how were your first few days of being a Herald trainee?  
  
Lan: Good.  
  
Pol: Really?  
  
Lan: Yes! It's great Pol, really.  
  
Pol: Anyway, I'm supposed to teach you how to use your Gift – which is, of course, Firestarting. We'll start with simply lighting fires. Watch what I do carefully. With your mind, though, not your eyes. (lights a fire) now, I can't do much more than that, because my Firestarting Gift isn't very strong. But you will be able to do a lot more, but now – you try starting a fire.  
  
Lan: But what if I lose control again?  
  
Kalira: You won't. I won't let you, Lan.  
  
Pol: Believe Kalira, Lan. I've never known a Companion to be wrong about something like this.  
  
Lan: Well, ok.  
  
Land concentrates for a while, then lights a fire  
  
Lan: WOW that makes my head hurt!  
  
Pol: Maybe I should've warned you about that. You wanna try again, or quit for the day?  
  
Lan: I can go a few more.  
  
  
  
Time passes  
  
  
  
Two years later  
  
Pol: Lan, um I s'pose you've heard about the Karse thing, right?  
  
Lan: It's kinda hard not to.  
  
Pol: Well, uh, the King wants to put you in Whites so you can, um, go to war.  
  
Lan: War? I don't want to kill anyone, Pol. And what about Tuck? And – War? But they want me in Whites! I'm gonna be a full Herald, Pol! But I'll have to kill people. I DON'T wanna kill people!!  
  
Pol: Kay, for one thing, you don't have to kill people. And another, Tuck's coming, too. We're also not leaving right away, 'cause you two have to finish getting trained. But Lan, you're gonna be a full Herald in a month or two. By the way, Eleanor's coming too.  
  
Lan: Whoa. I'm gonna be a Herald. THAT IS SO FRICKEN AWESOME!!! But then I'll hafta kill people. I know I'll hafta kill people, 'cause I'm a stupid eighteen year old who won't listen to someone who's a lot older, more experienced, and smarter than me. But – oh! Hey look, it's Tuck! HEY TUCK! We're gonna be full Heralds! They're sending us to war and we're gonna hafta kill people and we're gonna be FULL FRICKEN HERALDS!!  
  
Tuck: Whooa, boy. Slow down, buddy! Try to remember that I don't know what's going on here!  
  
Lan: Ok. Calm. Really. Pol just told me that in a month or two we're gonna get put into Whites and sent to war. Both of us. Eleanor too. Which actually I'm not sure about the whole Eleanor thing, 'cause she's so weird, Tuck! Sometimes she'll be so nice and a great person, and then she'll go all shut up and sulky and I don't understand it at all!  
  
Tuck: Lan, my man, if you don't see by now that she thinks that she's in love with you, I'm not gonna bother telling you.  
  
Lan: Yeah, sure, whatever.  
  
Pol: So, here's the plan. Today we meet up with Ilea, and two days after that we get to White Foal Pass, where the Karsites are pressing hardest.  
  
Eleanor: Yay, we're finally gonna see mom!  
  
Lan: Yay, something's finally gonna happen after four days of riding!  
  
Kalira: You should be glad you're riding Companion-back. On horse it would've taken at least twice this long.  
  
Lan: You're so wonderful, Kalira!  
  
(insert song: 'An Ode to my Companion')  
  
Eleanor: Look, there's the hotel!  
  
Pol: And there's Ilea! Hurry up, let's go! … oh look, we're there  
  
Ilea: Pol!  
  
Pol Ilea!  
  
Smooch!  
  
Ilea: Eleanor!  
  
Eleanor: Mom!  
  
HUG!  
  
Lan: Um, right. Let's go get some dinner.  
  
Tuck: Good idea. In fact that's a great idea. I'm hungry.  
  
Pol: Hey guys, it's getting late. Wanna stop here?  
  
Lan: Sure.  
  
Tuck: Yeah, whatever.  
  
Ilea: Ok.  
  
Eleanor: DEFINETLY!  
  
Pol: Ok. Let's set up camp. I'll go – WAAA – GUY FALLING FROM TREE ATTACKING ME!!  
  
Guy: DIE EVIL DEAMON!!  
  
Ilea: Do something, Lan!  
  
Pol: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! MY EYES!!  
  
Guy: DIE EVIL DEAMON!!!  
  
Lan: POL!  
  
Guy bursts into flame  
  
Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!  
  
Ilea: WHAT'RE YOU WAITING FOR YOU DOLTS, GET WATER, LITE A FIRE!! THAT SON OF A BIT*H BLINDED MY HUSBAND!!!!  
  
Pol: UUUUHHH.  
  
Ilea: It's ok, Pol. I'll Heal you. Don't worry. Everything will be fine.  
  
Eleanor: You might not be able to Heal him, mom.  
  
Ilea: I WILL Heal him, Eleanor. NOTHING will stop me.  
  
(insert song: 'Pol's Lament')  
  
Tuck: Woo hoo! We're in a camp!  
  
Eleanor: At White Foal Pass, the most beautiful pass in the world!  
  
Lan: Yeah. Woo.  
  
Other People: AAHHHH EVIL PEOPLE! THEY'RE ATTACKING US!  
  
Evil People: (a.k.a. Karsites) MWAHAHAHA! DIE DEAMONS!  
  
Lan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Lan sets all the evil people on fire, wall of fire  
  
Evil People: WE'RE MELTING, WE'RE MELTING!  
  
Lan: Oops.  
  
Soldiers: WOO HOO! HE'S NUMBER ONE!  
  
?: You're Lavan Firestorm from now on!  
  
Lan: Why?  
  
Soldiers: Because it sounds cool! Duh.  
  
Lan: Oh. Okay.  
  
Pol: The Karsites are going to attack again at a little pass over that way.  
  
Soldiers: Attack them back! Melt them to death!  
  
Lan: Um, do I have to?  
  
Soldiers: YEAH! KILL THEM ALL!!  
  
Pol: This could will or lose the war for us, Lan.  
  
Lan: Well when you put it THAT way…  
  
Tuck: So… I guess we're going to a little nameless pass?  
  
Pol: Well, actually, Lan is the only one who really needs to be there.  
  
Lan: But you and tuck just HAVE to come!  
  
Pol: Um, Lan, you're gonna go with those people over there. See, the Karsites are way ahead of us, and these people are better at getting through mountains fast than Tuck and me. We'll follow when we can.  
  
Lan: I s'pose if Valdemar is on the line I'll hafta go, but I refuse to be happy about it!  
  
Tuck: Great. Now go save Valdemar!  
  
Soldiers: Yea!! Woo hoo!!! Yippee!!!!  
  
Lan: So here I am. On a mountain. All alone.  
  
Kalira: Do you want me to kick you off the mountain?  
  
Lan: Well duh, Kalira, I meant besides you.  
  
Kalira: Hush, here come the Karsites.  
  
Evil Arrow: KILL THE HELL HORSE!!!!!  
  
Kalira: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!  
  
Lan: KAAAAALLLIIIIIIRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!  
  
The entire pass – including where Lan is bursts into flame  
  
Pol, Eleanor, and Tuck: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!  
  
Dude: RUN you morons, or you'll get burned up!  
  
Eleanor: (sniffle) I s'pose he wouldn't want us to cry too much.  
  
Tuck: (sob) He'd prob'ly think we're being morons.  
  
Pol: But NO one's gonna live happily ever after the end!  
  
(insert song: 'Lavan's Last Battle')  
  
  
  
APOLOGY!  
  
Krissy: Our sincerest regrets go to Mercedes Lackey. Ms. Heida and Ms. Rhyme would like to apologize profoundly for the murdering of her book. Although they can't remember *exactly* how late it was, or exactly what drugs they were using, they would like to reassure Mrs. Lackey that it was only a temporary passing of insanity, and any reports of them standing on top of the Empire State Building and screaming that "Gesten was going to eat their SOULS if someone didn't make a movie of The Black Gryphon" are entirely untrue. Ms. Heida would like to report that besides the fact that it was her idea for a movie version of Brightly Burning, it was ALL Ms. Rhyme's idea to make it into a musical. 'An Ode to my Companion', 'Blindsighted! Pol's Lament', and 'Bully Fever' were all Ms, Rhyme's idea. Ms. Heida had no part in them. Ms. Tappa would like to make it extremely clear that she had no part in the writing of this movie. She had not even read the book. (which Ms. Heida thinks is really too bad because it's really an awesome book despite how the movie makes it look) Ms. Rhyme would like to inform Mrs. Lackey of her next hit book/movie, The Black Gryphon. If you thought this was scary, you'd better run while you still can.  
  
Julie: No.  
  
Krissy: What?  
  
Julie: No, no, no, and no! we are NOT doing a movie of The Black Gryphon!  
  
Krissy: Why not?  
  
Julie: One word for you: Gryphons.  
  
Krissy: Oh. Okay.  
  
Julie: Please pretend the preceding conversation never happened. Thank you.  
  
Krissy: Ms. Heida would like to state that she thinks the worst parts of the movie are all Ms. Rhyme's fault. Ms. Rhyme grudgingly has to agree. Ms. Tappa would like to add that she was bribed into helping with this movie. It was not her idea, and she had almost NO part in it. Ms. Rhyme adds that she is very, very sorry that she thought it would be a good idea to turn the movie into a musical. Almost. Ms. Heida would also like to apologize for ever thinking that turning Brightly Burning into a movie was a good idea, and is sorry she ever thought of it. Almost. The funny farm men would like to add their two cents and apologize for ever thinking that Ms. Heida and Ms. Rhyme were well enough to be released from their facility. Thank you.  
  
  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
AND….There's more insanity on the way! We're currently working on a reaaaallly weird story about a bored teenage goddess, three Skandranons, and several confused Valdemarians. ::cackles:: HEEEHEEEHEEE!!! 


End file.
